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Watch Your Language
by Christine Kane

A few years ago, I was in a car with the promoter of one of my performances. He had picked me up at the airport and was driving me to my hotel. On the way, we talked guitars. We got onto the subject of Olson Guitars, arguably the best guitar in the whole world. At one point, the promoter said, “Yea, well, in my entire life I’ll never own an Olson guitar.”

There was a time when I’d let a remark like this slide on by, even adding my own “me either” to the mix. 

Now, I can’t. Yoda steps into my head and says, (in his Yoda voice) “So certain are you. Always with you it cannot be done.” 

So, I turned to the promoter and said, “You are NOT allowed to say that!” 

This is because I know the power of language. When you know that words become things, it’s hard to let language slide. 

I can’t help it. I have a rule: 

Friends don’t let friends speak crappily. 

Language is powerful. Words can create reality. Even if my promoter friend doesn’t know how on earth he’d ever get his guitar, it doesn’t mean he should cut off the possibility with his own words.

If you’re wondering how to begin watching your words, here are 7 practical language principles for becoming a better creator of your life. 

1 – Eliminate “never” and “always.” 

Never and always are words of hysteria. “I always mess everything up!” “I’ll never figure this out!” “I’ll never get an Olson Guitar.” 

First off, it’s not true. If you always messed everything up, you wouldn’t have made it out of the womb. 

And second off, extreme words are designed to hook you. It’s just your emotions taking a joyride. You’re morepowerful than that. 

2 – Use AND instead of BUT. 

“But” dismisses the statement before it. “And” includes it. For instance, “That’s a good article, but it needs some editing” isn’t nearly as encouraging as “That’s a good article, AND it needs some editing.”

“I love you, but…” is another great example of the dismissive power of “but.” 

3 – Avoid “Should.” 

Should is a heinous word for many reasons. It is victim-speak. It disempowers its object. It negates desires, thereby making it harder to make choices. It adds a nebulous energy to the decision making process. Useempowered language instead: “I could…” “I would…” “I am choosing to,” “I would like to,” “I don’t want to,” or “You might consider…” 

4 – Stop calling yourself depressed. 

Also stop allowing anyone to tell you that you are depressed. When you call yourself “depressed” or “obsessive compulsive” or “ADHD” or whatever – you’re claiming this thing. You’re calling it forth with the most powerful two words in our language: “I am.” That creates very little option for the transformation of this condition. 

5 – Delete the word “hate” from your vocabulary.

“Hate” has lots of energy. When you use it, you send lots of energy out into the very thing you “hate.” Even if it’s negative energy, it’s still a powerful force, adding its charge to that thing. You’re also depleting this energy fromyour own spirit as you say it. 

6 – Be “great.” Or “wonderful.” 

A disease of the creative temperament is a belief that we must be authentic at all costs. So we can’t answer a simple “How are you?” without delving into an in-depth scan of our emotional temperature. 

Try this instead: When people ask you how you’re doing, just say, “I’m great!” 

I used to think if said this, then I better have a good reason for saying it, like I just won the lottery or something. I thought it would make me look suspicious, and people would start to wonder if something was wrong with me. But then I did it. And you know what? Most people don’t care why you’re great. You’re saying it for you. 

7 – Pay attention to the music of your speech. 

You know how some people? They talk in question marks? And you have no idea why? But it makes you think you shouldn’t really rely on them? And it makes you not want to hire them? 

The music of your language says a lot about you. If you let your sentences droop like Eeyore, (“Thanks for noticing me.”) or if you do the uncertain question mark language, take note of what attitudes are causing this. These patterns are created for a reason. Even if it feels like faking it at first, generate confidence as you speak.

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WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE?

Please do! Just be sure to include this complete blurb with it:

Performer, songwriter, and creativity consultant Christine Kane publishes her ‘LiveCreative’ weekly ezine with more than 4,000 subscribers. If you want to be the artist of your life and create authentic and lasting success, you can sign up for a FRE*E subscription to LiveCreative at www.christinekane.com.

WANT TO SEE HUNDREDS MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS ONE?
See Christine’s blog – Be Creative. Be Conscious. Be Courageous – at ChristineKane.com/blog.

Filed under: General, Health & Fitness , Christine Kane, inspire, motivation

From Christine Kane’s newsletter…

The 7 Biggest Mistakes People Make When They Say No

by Christine Kane

Know what’s funny?

Many women will talk about anything when it comes to personal growth work. They aren’t afraid to “go there.”

But as soon as the topic of Saying No comes up, they’ll sit back in their seats.

“Sorry.”

“No can do.”

“I tried that. It didn’t work.”

“Huh-uh.” In fact, it seems the only thing they’re willing to say no to is… Saying No!

But saying no is important as you move to the next level in your life. One of the items in the Tool Kit of my new Uplevel Your Life Mastery Program is called “The Natural No: Templates for Saying No Authentically, Clearly, and Graciously.” After all, it’s tough to uplevel if you don’t know how to eliminate and release!

Saying No isn’t hard. It’s just that many of us do it badly! Here are the seven biggest mistakes people make when they say no…

1 – Waiting until they’re put on the spot

Most people never actually take time to ask themselves about their No’s. They wait until they’re put on the spot – and then they let their emotions (guilt, fear, anxiety) make their decisions for them!

While you can’t be prepared for every request that comes your way, you can get clear on your No’s in advance. I call this The Proactive No.

Write your list of Proactive No’s on a day off. “No volunteer positions on weekends.” “No more committees.” “No Sunday night dinner parties.” Get clear about how you want to honor your time and priorities. That way when you say no, it will be simple and authentic!

2 – Over-explaining

Rather than saying a clear “No,” many people try to explain their way out of it. This only digs them deeper into the muck.

When you over-explain yourself, you embody uneasiness. Over-explaining says, “I don’t really mean this, so I’m trying to find proof.”

3 – Using disempowered language

Language is a key element of effective “No-Saying.”

Empowered language is clear, firm, compassionate, and keeps the focus on the issue. Most people get so nervous and distracted that they ultimately do themselves a disservice by speaking at all. They ramble through the territory of the “sort of,” “kinda,” and “ya know.”

Empowered language stops the rambling. “I’m getting clear on my priorities so I’m cutting back on the extra activities in my life. In order to honor that intention, I need to say no. Thanks for understanding.”

4 – Trying to get approval

Rather than simply turning something down, many people try to “campaign” for their No.

They want to say “No.” But that’s not enough.

They also want the parties involved to approve of their “No,” agree with their “No,” and not be mad at them for saying “No.”

Saying No means that some people might be disappointed in you. That’s their “stuff.” Accept that. Give them the gift of allowing their disappointment. Give yourself the gift of having preferences.

5 – Hoping people will just ‘get it.’

Not responding at all. Putting the request off for a week. Avoiding eye-contact. These are the dances we do, hoping that people will just “get it.”

The problem with this approach is not that you’re not being “nice” to other people.

The problem is that you aren’t being complete with yourself. These little “Non-no’s” are actually draining your creative energy. Stop the leaks, and say no in the moment!

6 – Promising something they don’t mean

There’s a “Friends” episode where Ross’s new girlfriend asks him where their relationship is “going.” Ross admits to his Friends that he doesn’t want the relationship to go anywhere. But rather than stating this to his girlfriend, Ross gives her the keys to his apartment and tells her he loves her.

It’s a funny episode because it shows how much energy and integrity we lose when we dishonor our own preferences and desires – all in an effort to avoid another person’s disappointment.

7 – Giving in to guilt

When you say No, you might have to deal with some guilt.

At first, being on your own side is scary. This is why some people cave in as soon as the discomfort of guilt arises. Within a week, they change their mind and opt back into the thing they didn’t want to do in the first place. Wavering and waffling sends shaky messages to everyone involved, including yourself. Allow the guilt, and just experience it. You’ll get more comfortable after a little practice!
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Let’s face it. Saying No is uncomfortable sometimes. But once you experience the clarity and space that comes from saying No successfully, then you’ll never want to go back to the way you used to do it!

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WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE?

Please do! Just be sure to include this complete blurb with it:

Performer, songwriter, and creativity consultant Christine Kane publishes her ‘LiveCreative’ weekly ezine with more than 4,000 subscribers. If you want to be the artist of your life and create authentic and lasting success, you can sign up for a FRE*E subscription to LiveCreative at www.christinekane.com.

WANT TO SEE HUNDREDS MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS ONE?
See Christine’s blog – Be Creative. Be Conscious. Be Courageous – at ChristineKane.com/blog.

Filed under: 1, General, Health & Fitness , challenges, Christine Kane, inspire, motivation

More words by Christine Kane….

How to Be an Extreme Encourager
by Christine Kane

Many years ago, when I first shared my dream of being a songwriter with one of my best friends, she knitted her brows and said, “Huh?”

I can’t say I was deflated by all of the warnings that followed. After all, I had always been surrounded by this kind of “practical thinking.” In fact, I probably shared my dream with her just so she’d talk me out of it.

During this fumbling stumbling time in my life, I met a man who became an unlikely best friend and mentor. He was a brilliant jazz musician, and he could do pretty much anything on the computer.

One night, after he performed at a local jazz club, we were walking towards my car. I told him my dream of being a songwriter. Without even blinking, he said, “Honey (he always called me Honey), you’d be a fabulous songwriter. That’s perfect!” And he meant it.

At that moment, I felt like I was falling into a soft clean bed. I had never experienced such direct and truthful encouragement without a single “practical” warning attached to it. This friend set me free by offering one simple thing:

Encouragement.

Fast forward many years and successes and failures later. I’m surrounded by encouragers. I’m sure there are doubters around. But they don’t register anymore.

Also, I have become an extreme encourager myself.

I’ve observed extreme encouragers. I’ve also recognized some traits that they all have in common. Here they are:

· An extreme encourager lives by example

The best encouragers are the ones who live it. Whether they’re just getting started, or they’re veteran risk-taking creativity-living wild-women – the encouragers are the ones who want a bigger life for themselves and are willing to “go there.” This is why my jazz musician friend could simply offer encouragement when my other friend could not.

· An extreme encourager actively listens

Encouragers know that encouragement doesn’t mean you just tell people to “buck up” or “get over it.” They know how to listen. This means looking at the speaker, listening to her, setting agendas and judgments aside, and honoring the speaker as a wise soul.

· An extreme encourager avoids clichés

Avoiding clichés is actually a result of actively listening to someone. Being an extreme encourager doesn’t mean that you blindly tell people “You can do it!” or “Let go of fear!” It’s deeper than that. It’s seeing the truth of the other person, especially when they cannot.

· An extreme encourager acknowledges the hooglie-booglies, but doesn’t focus on them

We all have the hooglie-booglies. These are the voices that tell us we can’t, or we shouldn’t, or we’ll fail, or we’ll look stupid. An encourager doesn’t focus on those voices because she knows they they’re trying to hook her. An encourager simply acknowledges that the voices are there and that you can’t make them go away by arguing with them. An encourager knows that those voices aren’t the truth. They only SEEM like the truth.

· An extreme encourager remembers that no one knows what’s best for anyone else

An encourager knows that we are all wise and that sometimes we make choices that might not seem so wise. An extreme encourager calls out our deepest desires and then helps us see the thoughts and fears that hold us back.

· An extreme encourager accepts miracles, grace and mystery as the deeper truth.

Extreme encouragers are often mystics of sorts. They know that the so-called “woo-woo” stuff is more real than the so-called “logical” stuff. They celebrate the divine as a simple fact of everyday existence and don’t get caught up in the “prove it” mindset.

· An extreme encourager knows that you can develop the needed character traits as you go

In other words, she knows you’re ready now, even if you’re not perfect yet! I shudder when I read advice that discourages people from trying something because of character traits “required” in advance. “You shouldn’t blog if you’re not disciplined.” “If you don’t have focus, you can’t be a writer.” Most of the successful people I know developed these traits as they went. I certainly did. Encouragers understand the huge potential for growth in each human, especially when someone begins to follow her heart.

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I’m grateful to the encouragers! And I’m grateful to be able to pass it on to others – either my friends, or to women in my retreats or my coaching clients!

Who has given you the encouragement you needed in your life? And do you pass it on now?

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WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE?

Please do! Just be sure to include this complete blurb with it:

Performer, songwriter, and creativity consultant Christine Kane publishes her ‘LiveCreative’ weekly ezine with more than 4,000 subscribers. If you want to be the artist of your life and create authentic and lasting success, you can sign up for a FRE*E subscription to LiveCreative at www.christinekane.com.

WANT TO SEE HUNDREDS MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS ONE?
See Christine’s blog – Be Creative. Be Conscious. Be Courageous – at ChristineKane.com/blog.

Filed under: Blogs & Blogging, General, Health & Fitness , Blogs & Blogging, Christine Kane, motivation, inspire